Tots Are the New Dogs

2011 August 5
by Roman Stoad

Roman doesn’t like tots, he doesn’t like their cute pleading “I want something” faces. When they come up to him like that, he kicks them out of the way. Like he would any other pest. This untoward opinion normally would not need to be made public except for the new proliferation of tots everywhere you go. It’s kind of like the craze for dogs, which is why Roman says “tots are the new dogs.”

In the 90s there was a trend for expensive dogs, but you didn’t see a lot of babies back then. Perhaps because the ….was in the air. That’s certainly not the case now. The art scene is family friendly. Even as the population of the world explodes.

Whatever happened to birth control? What ever happened to the warnings on population growth? Apparently, fear of losing economic dominance has set Williamsburg white people to breeding like their dogs. So throw those rubbers away. Get out there you hipsters and fuck, not for hipster cred, and not for the notches on your bedstead, but fuck with a goal in mind. Babies,  after all, are our future shoppers. Without babies the economy would collapse. We have been told that, and dire warnings come in from across the globe as the aging populations of post industrial civilizations such as France and Japan start to realize that there are not enough kids out there to generate the capital needed to pay off our debts.

This makes me think that the Billtown baby scene is not so much the latest fashion craze, but really responsible citizenship (as if there were a difference), producing tomorrow’s consumers. And anyway who you gonna shop for? The modern day yuppie/hipster owns so much stuff already they don’t need anything more. And yet these people have been bred to shop, their self-actualization lies in the buying experience. Babies increase shopping and therefore increase “selfness,” the most important cognitive experience for capitalist society. Shopping equals identity equals individualism. And that’s apple-pie American. More babies more and stronger selves, so these little balls of flesh, the result of responsible pud-pushing, are ideal economic engines.

One needs only take a stroll through Williamsburg on any weekend where babies now litter the sidewalks like the latest fashion accessories. The true Billtown hipster today needs to have a baby on his or her hip, or better yet strapped into the latest hi-fashion air-craft stroller. The other day I couldn’t get down N. 6th for all the babies outside the bars and cafes. You can’t drink and swear in a bar because the person next to you is likely holding a tot, put on display like the latest smart phone or solar power wrist watch.

Indeed, the manufacturers of MacLaren strollers are likely in on it—lacing the local craft-brews with aphrodisiacs hoping to bolster future sales of their sidewalk-clogging machines. And you can bet there’s subliminal advertizing promoting copulation and baby farming in every organic burrito and locally-derived sushi.

In fact, some burritos actually look a little like babies when they first slide out. I don’t know why but I started to think of factory farming. Cow farms and chicken farms producing endless entities for consumption. Like the catfish farms of the southern swamp lands and Vietnam, the Brooklyn baby farms are putting out a tasty brand of potent “shopping” meat, bred to want, and want, and want some more. It’s not cheap meat either because these little buggers are gonna cost an arm and leg to bring to full potential.

Once again tots are an economic “go!” Consider the amount of money that you have to spend on your tot. Until I graduated high school, I probably didn’t own more than a hundred dollars worth of stuff. I didn’t have a car. Nowadays, a properly bred Williamsburg tot deserves several thousand dollars in clothes, not to mention, if they are over age two, they also need need their own laptop and smart phone. These Williamsburg tots cost more than my entire lifestyle.

But then think of all the industries that will collapse without them. The university system would go belly up without babies to pay tuition. And it is not only the babies that want stuff. Their proud parents want it too. They want stuff too, and the baby and the dog are additional excuses to get that stuff.

Indeed, tots are the new dogs and we can imagine conversations such as this in the local Brooklyn watering holes: “Do you have your tot yet? My tot is better than yours. It is blonder, smarter, more verbally acute, more fashion savvy. And I will spend as much money as possible on my tot to make sure it stays better than your tot.”

Apparently, we are caught in a no-win contest of racial promulgation.  The decline of the white race is something that has had occasional face time in the public realm. White people are simply not pumping out the necessary babies to maintain their cultural dominance. The real estate agencies are promoting Brooklyn under a new advertizing rubric. “Brooklyn, where white people come to breed.”

Mayor Bloomburg says: “C’mon New York. Tots are the new Dogs. Get a tot!”

Montessori school anyone?

I am Roman Stoad. I have no lifestyle
I have no children.
But I hear the cries of your children,
As they age,
Screaming from the garbage dump of the future.

2 Responses leave one →
  1. 2011 August 8
    Ando Arike permalink

    A bitter and misanthropic diatribe against the last bastion of human cuteness! Rarely have we seen such a lack of charity towards the innocent and cuddly. Does ice-water run in your veins, Roman? Or perhaps it’s chilled grain alcohol! Williamsburg weeps! Save the babies! Save the little babies!

  2. 2011 August 12
    WileyFREDA30 permalink

    The credit loans are important for guys, which are willing to start their own company. In fact, it is very comfortable to get a secured loan.

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.