Roman’s Report from Davos

2012 February 2
by Roman Stoad

From profit to pundit

“These growing inequalities are not acceptable,” said Rahul Bajaj, chairman of Bajaj Group, who valued his holdings in the Mumbai-based conglomerate at $1 billion. “The rich have done much better than the poor, and that creates problems.” Brilliant!

Roman Stoad is back from Davos! Every year Roman stakes out an alcove in an old building, a corner in a parking lot, or a cave in a city park near the Davos conference of the rich. Roman goes there to plead his case, and being a hobo philosopher he assumes the rich will listen. But the rich do not listen to philosophers such as Roman.

The beast of the poor rises. The rich cower in fear.

Nor do they care not for Roman’s mode of dress, his earthy “natural” perfume, or the cut of his jib. What the rich fail to realize is that Roman is their child, their beast, their little creature.

They created Roman Stoad in their satanic factories and banks, and like Victor Frankenstein of old, they refuse to take responsibility for their baby. Davos is the Herr Frankenstein of the financial world.

Topless protesters were detained Saturday while trying to break into an invitation-only gathering of international CEOs and political leaders to call attention to the needs of the world's poor.

Nothing promotes more fear among their tribe than that we “illigitimate” children should invade their panel discussions and hi-brow dinners. The security at Davos is tight: “Can’t let the hobos get close to bankers or they’ll put a stink on them.” And so Roman was reduced to staking out a patch of sidewalk on the runway to the palaces and the dining rooms. I was not far from the Camp Igloo, the Occupy Davos crowd, although even they had more money than me.

5-Star Hotel Accomodations

As I stood there pandering for attention, I began to ask question after question to the uncaring parade. I asked Vikram Pandit, (Chief Executive Officer, Citigroup) why there were 20 million people in his country without food. I asked Bill Gates, (Co-Chair, Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation) why there were in fact more deaths and greater child poverty in America than in any other western country. I asked Tim Geithner, (United States Secretary of the Treasury) why 4 million Americans were robbed of their homes by his economic policies. I asked Mario Draghi, (President of the European Central Bank) why he allowed predatory lending policies to destabilize the global economy, causing misery for billions. I asked Sheryl Sandberg (COO of Facebook), if she thought she was at all responsible for the dumbing down of our culture, and the mass addiction of our youth. She pulled out her iPhone and pretended she had a call. I asked Ariana Huffington (President and Editor in Chief of the Huffington Post Media Group) why she has relinquished her liberal platform for the larger profits of AOL. She called the police. I asked the Ukranian billionaire Victor Pinchuk what his real stance was on global income inequality. He had me hustled off to the hobo van and trucked out of town. But I returned. I asked Roustam Tariko, (controlling interest in the Russian Standard Corp.), what his position was on the relationship between the post-industrial world and developing countries. He gave me the back of his hand.

Just another white man who knows better than you.

I asked Nicolas Berggruen, the “homeless billionaire,” if I could crash a couple nights in his Gulfstream IV jet. He threw some pennies at my feet. I asked the Irish billionaire Denis O’Brian and Indian Billionaire Vikas Oberoi why they couldn’t personally underwrite some social mobility for the underprivileged in their countries. They said I had no voice in the matter. I asked Nouriel Roubini, (Professor of Economics and International Business, NYU) if he could come up with some kind of academic justification for a populist economic revolution. He called security. I asked Larry Summers, (former Secretary of the Treasury of the United States) if he could loan me ten euros for a sandwich. He blew his nose in a napkin and tossed it my way. I asked Christina Aguilera how much she got paid for performing in front of these scoundrels. She spit in my face. I asked Chelsea Clinton (one of the panel hosts at Davos) why she thought she should even be there. She farted in my direction and walked away.

The homeless billionaire with his presumably homeless date

There were technocrats and moguls from China and Brazil who seemed to be the talk of the town even as their own populations wallowed in poverty and industrial exploitation. Supposedly leaders from the Arab Spring revolutions were there but I couldn’t find them.

Perhaps they were sequestered. There were more than 70 billionaires there and I couldn’t find one willing to alleviate the problems of the poor unless there was a profit in it for them.

Hope you're comfortable Mr. Stoad!

Failing to be heard on the “green carpet” outside, I tried to get inside. I tried to gain entrance to the panel called “Gain and Pain: Prosperity with Austerity. I was turned away for being too austere. I tried to gain entrance to the panel “Civilization and Transformation: Myths of Our Creation” but I was turned away for being a mythical figment of my own imagination. I tried to gain entrance to the forum on “Unconventional Leadership” but they said I was too unconventional in my appearance to participate. I seached for liberal sympathies. I looked for Bono and Angelina Joli, those beautiful rock and roll movers and shakers of the liberal rich if they could help plead my case before the court of Davos opinion. They wouldn’t return my calls.

What they are really worried about and the subject of the secret panel discussions you’re not being told about is how to stop world revolution, how do we stop these peons from taking up guns and blowing us away. Indeed, that is the question. As I was sitting around the Davos campfire on my last night there. I posed this question to my fellow brethren: Is there any way to kill these people and take their money? Why can’t the radical mullahs get that a-bomb together and drop it on this crowd? Someone heard that I asked such a question and they branded me a terrorist. They put me back in the Davos slammer for the night. I have to admit the food there was pretty good!

I am Roman Stoad, Light-Bearer, Pacifist,
Supreme example of human beauty and grace.
Come dine with me in my kitchen under the stars
It’s good to be home.

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